Wow.. it’s been a while since i’ve wrote a post. Pretty annoyed at myself, but i’ve had a few decisions to make, and a few difficult weeks. Not that I like making excuses, but there we have it.
This is kind of a deep one (and long), but If it helps one of you, than that makes me happy.
So I ‘suffer’ from anxiety. I don’t really like the word suffer… I don’t think it’s appropriate to use for this, but it’s the only thing I can think of, that’s not as serious as others.
I know I’m not the only one with it,however I am amongst my friends. So sometimes I felt a bit lonely, however since i’ve opened up to them and been honest about it with them, I know I have their support when I need it which is great.
But I’ll come onto that a bit later… As I said I’ve made a few decisions lately, that I want to talk about with you guys, as I hope it helps?
One of them being University. Ever since I applied and got offers I have been so excited for university, doing something I want to do, and moving away, experiencing new things, meeting new people? Which seems odd right? It’s everything I’m also petrified about. I didn’t really think of that.. until I started feeling down and pressured. ( I tend to do that, bottle everything up until I crack.. I suppose like a kettle, haha.) Anyway Long story cut short.. I decided it wasn’t for me, I’m not ready, and I don’t even know if the subject I’m studying is what I want to do for the rest of my life.. So why would I go through 3 years of debt, and studying for something I could potentially hate?
From the age of 4-18 were in education… we’ve known nothing different. So our natural instinct tells us to stay in education, it’s the safest option right, our comfort zone. But it’s not for everyone, some people naturally aren’t academic (like me) but we don’t know what else to do? We don’t want to be left out when all our friends go to university and leave us in the town we’ve grown up in.
Teachers, they persuade us to go.. they push and push and make us feel like we have to go, it’s the normal, right thing to do. At first I thought it was because they truly cared and knew what was best… and some of the do, there’s a handful of teachers at my sixth form college that I know do truly care. But then there are some that just consider us a number… a number on some silly piece of paper that makes them look fabulous to the school because theres a high amount of people who have gone to university from the school. It’s a bit like a competition?
My point is.. Do what’s right for YOU. Do what YOU enjoy. Do what will make YOU happy. It’s your life, and sometimes It’s okay to be selfish, and put yourself first sometimes, and that’s what i’ve realised. I’m not saying, no-one should go university, but don’t feel pressured there are always other options for you, no matter who says there isn’t…
I thought I knew what I wanted to do for so long, but then I realised how do I know I do? I’ve never been in that line of work ever (radio). So I’ve decided to take a gap year… maybe do a bit of travelling, but mainly get as much work experience as possible, find out what I really enjoy and what I want to do. And if you are 10000% sure you want to go to university, I’d really advise to get some experience before hand.. unlike me, who didn’t, still got offers, and then decided, Sh*t, Is this really what I want to do?
Just do what makes YOU happy. I can’t emphasise that any more than I can. Everything will work out in the end.
My other decision I had to make was to not go on my first girls holiday abroad, after exams. This was probably a bigger decision for me than university, due to my anxiety. I genuinely thought all of my friends would hate me for it. (they don’t it’s fine) For the past two months I’ve been in turmoil over what to do. Sleepless,crying nights. It was endless. See my issue was, I don’t drink, I hate clubs, and I panic a lot. (awful panic/anxiety attacks). As much as I wanted to go spend a week away in the sun with my best friends, I hated the thought of going out at night. I was petrified. It’s also a lot of money to waste, for something I might not enjoy. So I slowly started opening up to a few of my friends about my decision and luckily there were so so supportive, they were gutted obviously (i’m a pretty big deal 😉 ) but they understood (as much as they could). I then eventually told everyone else (there’s 10 of us). I even turned my phone off due to how scared I was… I don’t even know why now, they were fine and I still have my friends.
So the same as before really… be selfish sometimes, as long you are happy. You can’t go through life making other people happy if you’re not. I was so close to cracking under pressure and giving in and decided to still go, but I stood up to myself and said NO. I have to put myself first. ( I don’t do that often, I hate the thought of people not liking me). And it’s all worked out. It tested our friendship.. I realised if they were true friends they would stand by me. Which they did 😀 So if you ever feel in this position where you feel pressured over friendship, you have to take time out and say to yourself “If they’re true friends, they’ll still be here.” It’s not the end of the world, you are never alone. Don’t let yourself think you are, there will always be someone.. Sometimes someone you least expected.
So yeah they were my big decisions.. and at some point you might have to make decisions like that too. As long as you put yourself first, and make sure you are always happy, then life will work it’s self out for you.
I picked up these three books the other day online, as I heard some cute reviews about them, so I decided to give them a go. Every page has a cute little quote, that will help you at some point, and lift your spirits. ( The titles of the books give it away really). I got them to help when I’m having a down day.. or if i’m feeling a little anxious. However I think everyone could use books like these as they’re really positive. The amount of times i’ve quoted them already to people when giving advice is unreal.